i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Apparently there was a point in the night that they literally thought he was dead, ass naked on the floor. That bad.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
I was not drunk enough for that final.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
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