I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
I told him to come back in 5mins cause i needed to take a few more shots before i could talk to him
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
please dont make me drink to the titanic soundtrack
they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
She used to be cute, back when we were young.
Oh well, so were platform jellies. Shit changes.
Randomize
