Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
So I put about 15 worms in the cuervo bottle. I don't think that's how it works but I feel like hallucinating by 11am
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
see that vagina ? that vagina means business
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
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