Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
Oh just living the dream. And by living the dream I mean drinking franzia out of a martini glass and watching family matters. Also, drinking every time Carl Winslow has a mustache and Eddie wears MC Hammer pants
She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.
I'm 11 for 13 getting drunker than the person who's birthday it is
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Randomize
