My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.
Court can wait. right now you and your magic penis need to be here satisfying me.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I never turn down an adventure. My life is like a sexual Lord of the Rings.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
