dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
He shampooed and conditioned his pubes but can't manscape for shit.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Shame - the story of my life.
Went to the party dressed like a Cougar and brought a twenty something dressed as Micheal Phelps home. So far I’m loving being divorced. :-)
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