bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
i feel like our whole relationship was one big acid trip
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I was late because I helped this old romanian lady mow her lawn at 2AM.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
his daughter has his phone and goesss ohhh boobies and shows me a picture of my own tits...
He woke me up, handed me a ringing phone and said break up w her for me. That hung over.
I swear to the sweet baby jesus I didn't fill your freezer with salsa and my little pony toys, but I didn't stop them either.
Thanks for the bagel and the sex.
Shia LaBeouf arrested in austin for public intoxication. JUST DO IT
Trusting in Jesus is not a viable birth control plan.
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