I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
She was indeed spoonfeeding you potato salad out of that giant bowl with a giant spoon. Dont feel special, she was giving it to everyone that left the bar.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Welcome to Missouri, the show me your genitals state.
I'm a lady. Ladies do NOT hump the floor.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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