Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
Seriously-without actually meaning the statement for it's words- that made me want to put a baby in you.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
He dislocated his shoulder trying to finger me last night if that tells you anything
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
You thought her boot was a stray dog in your house..
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
At least get laid and waffle fries out of it you whipped basterd
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
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