you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
im at planned parenthood. the form wants to know what our usual form of contraception is?
anal.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
But you've got to admit , for how blackout I was I look fucking unreal in those pictures
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Randomize
