just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
i miss you and i wish you were peeing between my legs right now. in a platonic way
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
I have bruises on the inside of my thighs from sliding down the stair case...thanks for encouraging that slut show
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
He was the only one not on Xanax so he holds the key to what actually happened last night
I'm facebook/twitter stalking the guy I just slept with as he's passed out next to me. What a time to be alive...
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
stupid neighbors doing stupid yard work with their stupid kids when i want to do drugs in the backyard
Randomize
