Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.
We were eating hotdog buns dipped in French onion dip in lawn chairs at 4am. That drunk
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?
Agreed.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
PS there is a naked boy in my bed and I just left for the bar...
we watched a guy take a shot of tequila while riding a unicycle
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
