Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
The best walk of shames are on the highway
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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