How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
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