Also, the republican called me again last night. He called me dumb and ugly then begged to come over. Gosh... he knows how to make me want him...
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Matt says that there are strip club auditions in our living room and he'd like you to audition.
They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Can't tell if waking up covered in easy mac is the sign of an amazing or terrible night
it wasnt that bad
you tried to climb into my fireplace while screaming TO DIAGON ALLEY! we didnt even watch harry potter. it was bad
I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
