He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I've never used poorer judgment in my life. It's mathematically possible that I impregnated 5 women in the past 24 hours since I won the lottery. But I couldn't be happier about it.
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
