fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
amateur piercings on our way to the beach? check.
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
