Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
it's like if youve been living with the grinch for 15 yrs and then santa shows up with a big gift begging to fuck the christmas spirit back into you. no one can say no to santa.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I just want to make out with him forever
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
He doesn't wear a seatbelt. He votes Republican. He has a small dick. That house of cards just fell apart.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
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