I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
I distinctly recall there being a "I can't be dead 2maro" stipulation to going out last night. There's been a breech of contract
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
