Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
I just can't have sex with a guy who has nicer eyebrows than me
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
She was horrified when I asked if they had any strap on chin dildos, I was at a sex shop for gods sake must I be judged everywhere
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
What's clit gel and why is it in my wallet.
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I absolutely love waking up to see my phone search history is "xj" "qj" "cj" "uj" and "kj"
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
Randomize
