I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Well now that I've given all the athletes mono there goes our chance of winning any conference championship
He shaved off his eyebrows. This is not my life.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Of course I have a pirate flag
I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Randomize
