Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Thought the acid was fake. Then my reflection didn't move when I did in the bathroom.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
Randomize
