I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I fell asleep while studying last night and woke up smelling like whiskey and sex... words can not describe how confused I am
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
when in doubt, mount your coworker in the staff room.
I literally JUST MADE IT to the liquor store. I bought a box of wine with the lights off
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
My roommate just woke up to me masturbating in our room. I figured this would happen eventually.
Randomize
