I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
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