I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
he squeezed my boobs like he didn't know what else to do with them, then turned down head...
told you he was gay.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
Today is going to be the longest game of "was that a fart, or do I need to go wipe?" I have ever played. Maybe the most challenging too.
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
I'm sorry your Amazon says buttplugs now
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
My boobs weigh the same amount as 25 pancakes
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
He woke up and decided to go for a swim in the lake... At about 3am... With his dogs
Randomize
