It was awkward until we both realized our obsessions with harry potter and sangrias were the same. Now were in love.
You need tk get a life and stop texting me about fictional characters. I don't give a shit.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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