I just went in my fridge and said to my turkey "see you thursday". I seriously have issues
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
Also, I found out tonight a major plus for being female is you can accidentally call the hot bartender sweet tits and she won't get mad.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
You ruined a cute cat because your lack of horniness
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
Randomize
