I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
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