Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
is it bad that i think of my life in terms of the sims? like when i'm hitting it off with someone, i really wish a plus sign would appear above my head. and when i throw up from drinking way too much, a minus sign.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
No, pictures of your dick will not make me feel better about my grandmother having a brain tumor.
I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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