I finally got laid.. you said it wouldn't happen.
I just watched my mom open a wine bottle with an electric drill. I have never been so proud.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
It wasn't so much a one night stand as much as one night she puked on my nightstand.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I just gate-crahed a party and met a state senator, so I had an interesting afternoon jog.
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
is caitlin alive?
ya she's alive she's watching a movie
ok remind her she drank toilet water then.
Randomize
