thank you for a lively/lovely evening :)
should have blown me.
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Dude, im sorry I had sex with that girl I was trying to hook you up with last night. Good news though she puts out
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
he's a ginger AND was born with 2 holes in his penis. sleeping with a rare species & I LOVE THE THRILL
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
Randomize
