Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
There is a high pitched squealing noise coming from somewhere in my house. I hope it's a gas leak cause I'm over this week man.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
So I just got motorboated by my grandma…
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
At least he uses his lack of impulse control for chaotic good instead of chaotic evil
Randomize
