so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
That weatherman I hooked up with is on TV again
the only thing coherent you said from what i saw of you is when you were throwing up, i asked if you were done and you just "uh huh you know what it is"
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Seriously? What part of meeting at Oktoberfest while I'm wearing a dirndl, double fisting, and making out with random guys screams "i'm girlfriend material"?!
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
If you quit, you're not going to stick to our game plan of dead by 40. I will not be in the titty bar nursing home without you damning
Damnit.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
Omg, new summer goal: sex in a bouncy castle.
Randomize
