I brought red and green boonsfarm to the white elephant party. classy and festive. I think this is what people are referring to when they talk about killing two birds with one stone.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
She leaned in close to me, made eye contact, and seriously whispered "I will eat your soul with bacon bits." I want whatever drug she was on.
Guys, as my favorite vagina consultants I have to share something.
My professional advice is not to put lemons in your lady pocket.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
Randomize
