it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
In honor of Dennis Farina dying, I'm offering up free mustache rides...2 takers so far.
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
EW FUCK GROSS GODDAMMIT I WENT DOWNSTAIRS AND MY GODDAMN BROTHER WAS FINGERING SOME GIRL ON THE FLOOR DOESN'T HE KNOW HE FUCKING LIVES WITH PEOPLE
We found you walking up the on ramp to the highway carrying a 40 mph speed limit sign with no shoes on. Rough night?
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
Ive completely stopped wearing makeup. Not even eyebrows. Thats how sick of wisconsin I am.
Is it wrong to want to use the Dark Web to buy Vyvance for legitimate purposes?
Randomize
