you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
Guess which frat house I just walked out of! And on a related note... guess who's uncircumsized
Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Remember that time you puked in a beer pong cup while someone else was playing?
that happened
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
Good news!! I can adult!! 😂 turning down the strip club on a weeknight has become my crowning achievement ðŸ˜ðŸ˜‚
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
This is getting exciting. I almost wanna turn off all the lights, get some popcorn, and stare at my phone screen to see if she's going to say yes or not
And on a much sadder note, I'm way to drunk for this right now
Randomize
