best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
Whoever decided putting Tom Seizmore and Heidi Fleiss together in rehab should win some kind of award.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
That's the second time in a week someone has called me to talk drunk you into getting up off the floor. This needs to stop.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
as he was fingering me, all I was thinking about was how lucky his girlfriend is...
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
When are your genitals available?
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
Randomize
