WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I was thinking about him in the shower then i get out of the shower and there was a text from him
its like he has a camera inside of my shower that looks into my brain
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
I know I said I wouldn't, but he told me I looked like Mila Kunis. Reasons not to fuck him, go.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I'm not saying i'm drunk
But i'm drunk.
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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