the way she shouted out instructions during sex made me feel like I was having sex with my gym teacher
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I don't remember coming home but there is cereal EVERYWHERE
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
I apologize in advance for the amount of cleavage I'll be exposing your boyfriend to.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
Randomize
