also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
i didnt know what to say other then wrong hole.....after that the moment was ruined.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
You know those twins i had a crush on in grade school? Just woke up between them. Best. Party. EVER.
My only regret this past weekend is abusing only 3 substances when I could have done so much more.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
It's a race to see if I finish the bottle first or my homework
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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