WHY CAN'T YOU EVER SHIT LIKE A NORMAL PERSON, JESSE.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
He stared me down while singing "Let Me Love You" to me while we were having sex. I don't know whether to marry him or file a restraining order.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
It took 5 bourbons for him to handcuff and spank me and then he cried after sex. The men that like me are so unstable.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
i have paint on my face i'm missing my earrings, there's a bag of rice in my room, and i have a purse full of monopoly pieces
he's annoying when i'm sober but vaguely hot when i'm drunk so yes i do have a preference and it goes by the name of vodka
Randomize
