Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.
9 am. shotgunning while conditioning my hair. i love college football season.
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
You just kept taking about baking cornbread and doing your physics. Even drunk assed random you is a better student than me.
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
By chance and just chance did you find a cock ring? By chance
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
