Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?
You'd think with all the porn he watches he'd be a little better at this...
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I WOULD SERIOUSLY RECOMMEND THE SHIT THAT I AM ON RIGHT NOW
My mom and sister were over. When my drunk roommate came home, he yelled "GOT BITCHES IN MY CONDO"
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
