He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
I'm in the sex attic, crying, eating french toast and taco
Well, we could've been at the bar taking a shot everytime my rash spread. But Noooooo. You had to go out with your non- girlfriend. Lame.
Andy was trying to screw his door shut from the inside so no one could get in.
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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