words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
Also I'm eating leftovers with a pair of bullet removal forceps (unused) because I don't have a fork.
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
I would say that that is the last time I ever drink a bottle of jack in two hours, but really who am I kidding?
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
I also fell asleep on the side of a tree so like I hit my lowest point there but it was a good time
Not as bad as when you were sitting in the pond getting fed water
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
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