I don't think my ego could take a straight man out-cooking me.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
Absinthe night with my dad again, I could get used to this being home thing.
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
So much Jack, so little girl.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
