If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
How does it feel to date your dad?
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
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