that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
I donkey kicked that mother fucker. Never stood a chance.
It was a door. A completely inanimate object, of course it didn't stand a chance you idiot.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
Overall a good night - broke my toe giving that cop a blowjob though...so there's that...
if I dont text you back in 10min assume i am in fact still dizzy and injured myself in the shower. and call an ambulance. thanx.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
