You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Apparently I promised a worker at La Siesta free English lessons to make up for vomming all over the little Mariachi band.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
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