I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Just say its a British thing. They wont know Its not. And if they say you're not British, proposition them for a post-sex game of cricket.
1 be hot 2 flirt with everyone 3 use hotness to make people do things for you. It's a simple model.
By the end of the night I was using him as a leg rest and he was handing me pizza rolls when I wiggled my hand. It's a proven method.
we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
He's hot and has an accent therefore you don't ask questions when he tells you to take your pants off.
She was chasing her shots with beefaroni and I think I fell in love.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
Randomize
