I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I just found 17 dollars of saltine crackers in my room. confused incredibly. suprised not at all.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
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