Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
There's a possibility I may have hooked up with that British guy...
Possibility? You left the door open! Everyone saw!
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
