I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
I'm drunk. And at a vegan cafe. You would hate it. Don't tell my hipster friend but I kinda hate it too.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
If only we could all 3 say fuck school to be stoner flight attendants
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
All the doctor said was why
Hey does the gas gauge in your car work?
Nevermind...we figured it out. Heres a more relevant question, does your insurance have roadside assistance?
In other news I was masturbating last night and came really fucking hard to the thought of yelling at a customer....
Randomize
